Thread:GreekTelepath/@comment-24317998-20170331172111/@comment-24317998-20170401034448

Listen. I just-- As guilty as I'm going to feel saying this (and as guilty as I've been feeling just for thinking about telling you this), I haven't been sad or any of that kind of upset. I mean, I have, but not mostly. The problem with how I feel about it is that this makes me incredibly angry, and being angry is really detrimental to my mental health. I know I don't really come off as being like this, but I actually have anger issues, to the point that it doesn't take much for me to go into a full-blown rage, even when I'm actively trying to avoid it, and I'm not good at dealing properly with it. It's a byproduct of some of the other issues I have. But the point is, being this angry is detrimental to my mental health, and I do my best to avoid it as much as possible. But it's really hard for me when these things keep happening. Also, like I said before, I'm irrationally paranoid. You hadn't done anything before we became admins to make me afraid of you, and yet I have been for years. Of course, now I actually do have legitimate reasons to feel this way, but I know (or at least, I want to believe) that some of it is just paranoia. And these two in conjunction are especially bad.

As well, part of why I got so angry today is because I had already spent enough time doing this song and dance with Dany, having to tell him just why it needed to be me that updated the page today. I'm paranoid, I'm desperately trying to prove that I am actually good enough, the works. And I was feeling pretty good because we resolved it well, even if I did end up having a panic attack over it while it was happening. And then this had to happen, just as I was getting ready to update things myself. It just doesn't feel good. And as much as I blame myself for this (I was too complacent and trusting and didn't make sure that anything that could happen didn't), this also falls on that you don't ask for permission first. Or when you do, you don't wait for the okay before you do it, or say it's fine to go ahead. I know we already talked about this earlier, and I know it sounds like I'm trying to guilt you with this (or maybe I'm just worrying that you'll take it that way--), but I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I just want to nip this in the bud and make sure (at least for the sake of my worrying) that you know that you need to ask first and wait for someone to say that it's fine, because I can't keep getting this angry at you all the time. It's wearing me down. And I want to be able to coexist peacefully with you, especially because you're an admin, but even just because you also frequent the chat and I want to be able to relax around anyone that I'm around that often, even if we don't talk much.

You asked me earlier what it would take to make up to me what you did, and I really did mean it when I said that all I want is for you to be a bit more considerate. You really have no idea how good it would feel to not be angry at you, and how much I want it.

Also I hadn't meant for this to get this long